Trying to understand

I am a Christian. I believe in God. I know that God has a plan each one of us and that he doesn't give us more than we can handle. I love God and trust in him. But I struggle sometimes. I question things and don't always understand why things happen.


The world is full of tragedy. Everyday the new shows stories of car crashes and other terrible events. But they are always just stories to me. They don't involve me or those that I love. Recently however, more and more of the stories have become personal. I have had some sort of a connection to the tragedy. My friends have been the one battling cancer or struggling in some way. I have cried as I read their stories and prayed for them every day.


About 3 months ago, I was introduced to the blog of James Camden Sikes through a friend of a friend. James was a week older than Cade, the first son of a wonderful couple. He was a normal and healthy little boy, or so his parents thought. James got sick on June 14, he was throwing up and not his usual self. His parents took him to the doctor and treated his "virus" as they were instructed. And then on June 22 their whole world was turned upside down when they took James into Children's because he was still getting sick and dehydrated. A CT found an abnormal mass of cells in his brain, a very rapidly growing brain tumor. James had surgery to remove the tumor and a plan was devised to start chemo after he recovered from the surgery. I read daily updates about James that his parents wrote from their hospital rooms and honestly felt like I knew these people. I rejoiced with them on good days and cried with them on the not so good days. I prayed. I shared his story with other friends and family members so that they could pray too. I honestly believed right up till the end that this little boy was going to defy the odds and beat the tumor. He had to- he was Cade's age and no parent should have to bury their child. James fought hard to the very end but on Saturday, July 16 he lost his battle with the tumor and passed away.

Just like no parent should have to bury their child, so too should no young child have to bury their parent. And yet tomorrow 2 young boys, ages 2 1/2 and 11 months, will bury their Mother. A Mother that was taken away from them too early. A Mother that they will never really know or remember. My Sorority Sister, Lindsay Breault Lewis, passed away Friday evening from complications associated with ARDS (Acute Respiratory Distress Syndrome). Lindsay got pneumonia which led to a collapsed lung and then ARDS. She was in the ICU and while I knew that she was critical from the daily updates that her husband posted I never expected to read the below update from Gabe Friday evening.

"Update: I am unbelievably heartbroken to say that my best friend, wife, the mother of my 2 beautiful children as joined the sweet Lord in Heaven as of this afternoon. She fought as hard as she possibly could but there were too many things going on inside her body to fight. She literally fought to the very end. I first saw Lindsay when she was in the 8th grade and God told me right then that she was going to be in my life. I knew the second I saw her that I would love her. It took a few years, but God came through and put her in my life and from then on I never stopped loving her. She is an amazing woman, mother, wife, friend, the list goes on. She had a huge heart and a beautiful way about her. She was so beautiful on the outside but it was like she never knew it. She sometimes got upset because she would think people thought she was rude, but she was really just a humble, shy, and very modest human being. She never knew how beautiful she was even though I tried telling her everyday as well as friends. She gave me 2 of the most precious gifts that I could ever ask for in Cash Lewis and Brody Lewis. They will carry her inside of them for the rest of their lives and I will do my best to make her proud as a parent. She is a very special gift and I will miss her EVERY DAY. She loved all of you and I am so thankful for your prayers throughout this fight. The support has been amazing. I wish she could have seen it, but God has a bigger plan for her in Heaven. He has a plan for all of us and no matter what. our faith cannot waver. She is in Heaven, she is out of pain, and she is smiling down on us and probably feeling bad that she can't hug on us. Lindsay I will always love you, you have made my life amazing and I will take everything you taught me with me to my grave. I love you, I love you, I love you."

Instead, I honestly thought that that soon I would read that she was being moved out of the ICU and eventually be back to loving on her precious boys and updating her blog. She is my age, she has a husband and babies that need her, she can't die. But she did.

Life really sucks sometimes. The world doesn't make sense and bad things happen to good people. I know that God has a plan for each of us even when we can't see it. I know that he is in charge. But I don't understand. I don't know that I ever will understand. I will however continue to trust in the Lord. I have learned through these two tragedies that life truly is too short. I have started to treasure every moment and stopped rushing so much. I hold Cade a little tighter every night and love Gregg a little more every day. And I pray for both of these families that God will wrap his arms around them during these difficult times and lead them out of their darkness and back into the light.